To each their own.

Agnostic: a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause, as God, and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience.

Atheist: a person who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings.

Recently my mother emailed me to “trust God, for (S)he is paving the way.” As an Agnostic, I am always a little confused with how to view faith. First off, before you go “But you are Agnostic! You don’t have faith!” I will stop you right there. I am not an Atheist. I believe that there is possibly something out there; however, I do not feel that human intelligence can truly comprehend what it is.

In all honesty, faith does feel like a nice fall back, like a way of reassuring myself that it will be alright, because at least it’s being paved intentionally. It is easier to not constantly question what God might be. It is more reassuring to say “There is a God. He is spoken of in the Bible.” and be done with any questions or debate or doubts. But to me, that feels too limiting a definition. To me, God cannot be truly understood by humankind. The human language does not have the depth and breadth of understanding to put it into words. To me, there is no true definition.

I constantly wonder: Is there a Greater Good or a God or a Higher Being that puts things in motion? Are things meant to be? Do we will things through our thoughts or how we put forth our energy? Paving our own paths through thought that is repeated again and again? Or is it solely through action that we get the things we desire, need, and want?

Is it God, Buddha, or Allah? Is it all of those gods or prophets or wise men all rolled into One or none of them? Is it the Law of Attraction or are we here alone?  And why are there so many versions of God? Has God been lost in translation? Man creates their concepts: Jesus and God; the Holy Trinity; Buddha; the Deities of Hinduism; the Islamic faith and Muslims; Allah; Judaism; Mother Earth; Wiccans;  Pagans; even Satanists have staked their claim in Religion and their place on this “list.” We have so many different holy texts! If there are so many, does that not prove that none are actually the One True Religion? Or is it like countries with their different cultures and languages? To each their own belief. It might all just be the same thing in the end.

Having been baptized and brought up Russian Orthodox with nine years spent attending Catholic school, the concept of God is very familiar to me. Perhaps that is why faith is part of my spiritual vocabulary. I do not feel that when I speak of faith that I am necessarily speaking about God. Maybe I am looking inward and my faith is found within myself, as well as the world around me. If asked to describe this Higher Being, I would have to say I feel that it is an omnipresent light that reaches every corner of the World, this Universe, this Galaxy, and everything else beyond. Everywhere. Places we know and places we will never see nor experience. Places only found in dreams and Science Fiction or Fantasy Novels and Movies. The Known and Unknown.

 

 

Definitions: Atheist: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/atheists and Agnostic: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/agnostic

The love of words in any language.

“There must be a Russian word to describe what has happened
between us, like ostyt, which can be used
for a cup of tea that is too hot, but after you walk to the next room,
and return, it is too cool; or perekhotet,
which is to want something so much over months
and even years that when you get it, you have lost
the desire. ” – Barbara Hamby

Maybe it’s because I’m a Russian-Latvian that I find this beautiful. I love the Russian soul. It’s part of my blood; my history. It’s in my DNA. I have always had a love for words. I love Woolf, Greene, Austen, Eliot, Plath, du Maurier, Brooke, Flaubert, the Brontë sisters. So many.

But then there are the words written down by Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Turgenev, Chekhov, Bulgakov, Pushkin, Pasternak, Akhmatova. A man once told me that Tolstoy was the mind of the Russian people. Dostoyevsky, the soul. I almost fell in love with him then and there. Almost.

We can also look at the compositions that came out of Tchaikovsky, Prokofiev, Rachmaninoff, Stravinsky, Scriabin. Music felt in the chest. Resonating. We fear our hearts will explode. We cry to relieve emotions suddenly resurrected; uninvited.

And maybe it’s just the simple fact that I love the idea… the tepidness that comes from waiting.

 

 

 

http://www.barbarahamby.com/

 

Flashback: April Trip to Deddington, England.

In April, I visited my mother and my step-father John in England. This was the rainy weather view from the Oxford Bus that took me from London to Oxford where I met the parental units. From Oxford, we drove to Deddington, which is thirty or so minutes outside of Oxford.

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The adorable cottage they rented was the upstairs section of a converted barn. Below us, the owners still had farming equipment for the beautiful pastures that were part of the property. Below: view of cottage and master bedroom from guest bedroom; second and third photograph is the view from my guest bedroom.

Deddington Cottage April 19

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I would like to return to Oxford and spend some time exploring the beautiful city. This was a view of a passing building on my way back to London and then Paris.

Oxford April 23

Where in the World does this race start? Or go? Or end?

Apparently time has flown by and March is now July. Spring has passed, though no one in Paris is really sure if it was ever here. Now we are enjoying the warmth of summer and being outside is a must! However, as a writer nearly finished with her script – the reason I moved here – my life has been spent at a table staring at a computer. (Said computer is now the newest Macbook Pro… which makes for a happier écrivain.)

While a lot of things have been changing in my life – for the (creative) good  – I have been stressed about the idea that I might never make my film. I am aware that it is a possibility that this script will never see the light of day – in an old Staples printer paper box on a dusty shelf  – and I know that I have to have faith. Blind faith. One might pause at those two words. They seem to say, “You will not be seeing where you are going.” Or “It’s without direction or purpose.” Or “You will not see the reality that is staring you right in the face, because you will not be looking with your eyes.

As I stress out, I remind myself that my initial move to France was made with blind faith. I knew I belonged in Paris and that my dreams were one hundred percent (100%) possible for me here. Why Paris? Let’s just say I felt it in my gut. I was being pulled across the Atlantic and I acted without a plan. Give my last months notice. Check. Sell belongings (i.e. car.) Check. Give things to Goodwill. Check. Give things to friends. Double Check. Put things in storage (and later ship to Mother.) Check. Pack suitcases, buy plane ticket, and fly to Paris on June 3rd, 2011? Check. Check. Check.

As of today – July 11, 2013 – blind faith has only been on “my side.” A guardian angel (of energy) that has guided me through the ups and downs: living in a foreign country; braving the bureaucracy that is the French government; the visa headaches; the no one talks to each other at the Préfècture or goes by the same rules twice; not speaking French when I moved; being a dyslexic trying to learn the language; believing that I’ll get EU citizenship once Latvia allows duality (which goes into law on October 1st.) And the big dream of being an American-Latvian filmmaker residing in Paris, France.

I still frequently question my creative talent, though. I need to have a strong belief in myself and cultivate patienceThe road ahead of me is filled with countless roadblocks… but I will hurdle them. Like a track runner in a marathon filled with 100mm hurdles, as well as the random military bootcamp training obstacle. There is a finish line, but I don’t know where it is, how to get there, or how long it will take to reach it. The race has no map. The destination is unmarked. Bravery is the only fuel. I may not reach the exact goal I have set out before me, but I will get very close. Perhaps I’ll even hit the bullseye, but to the right of center.

“While you long and aim for the destination, thrive on the journey; the battle; the adventure.”