From JOURNAL ONE: June 4, 2011
And so I am on my flight to France (by the way of Zurich) and have felt a roller-coaster of emotions as I departed Los Angeles (“for good.”) The only thing that makes this trip “hard’ is that one should never, ever fly Suisse Air in economy… let alone Suisse Air, which apparently isn’t even Suisse Air anymore. It’s been a horrible experience so far. Besides the narrowest seats ever, it looks like a crummy old plane. And the woman sitting next to me is encroaching on my space and smells of body oder mixed with pot. Thank goodness it’s freezing cold inside the plane, because she was forced to put on her leather jacket, which has suppressed most of the smell. This is not a great experience; however, I am rising above it!
Side note: Suisse Air has shit customer service. As my friend Nikki drove me to LAX, I feared that I would be ten minutes late to checking-in, which had at 18:00 (6pm.) I called and asked the representative to see if she could let LAX’s Suisse desk know that I would be a few minutes late. The woman, however, refused to help me (no matter how politely I pleaded,) but did end up giving me the number for the LAX desk… which was out of service when I dialed it. I called the original number again and the male representative falsely told me that there was a 60-minute (not 90-minute) check-in.
Long story short, I got to the desk (again with no help from the LAX worker, who told me that there was no Suisse desk there, even though it was in front of us,) and the representative at the check-in was very helpful, even when her supervisor almost refused to tell her whether or not I could be allowed to check-in… even though I WAS on-time after all! At one point, the supervisor ignored the representative and started to check someone else in without answering her! In the end, I got onto my plane, with it’s exceptionally narrow seats and had one of the most uncomfortable flights I have ever had.
The last month in Los Angeles has been truly great. So great that it gave me a false sense of comfort and was probably one of the best times I spent there during my 10-year run. What made it wonderful was my complete emotional abandonment. I ceased to care about (mainly) how I was perceived by those around me. During this time, I spent an entire month with Nikki and slept on her lovely couch (although I started out at my friend Jessica’s place, where my attempt to couch surf was thwarted when she kindly gave me her bed!) Bless both Nikki and Jessica for their honest friendship and support. And I will never forget waking up every morning to Nikki’s cat, Ava, as she crawled on top of me and purred. This morning ritual was accompanied by the garbage trucks outside in the morning. It reminded me of the ocean where Tamarind Avenue was the Pacific and the trucks were Great White Sharks taking out baby seals.
Now I am one hour and sixteen minutes away from touching down in Zurich. I am only a few hours away from arriving in Paris. People say that I am brave to do this… right now, I am silently wondering if and when the fear is going to kick in. Each time I start to hear or imagine the question, “Did I do the right thing?” I stop myself short of truly finishing that question, because I know that LA had ceased to have meaning for me. My drive had almost all, but disappeared… until I decided to move and then I was inspired again.
The future is truly unknown for me right now. I know I will succeed wildly in some areas of my life and fail (or fall short) in others. I do worry about what is ahead of me. Will film truly continue to be a part of my life or will it quietly wither away and fall at the wayside, because I left Hollywood. I have wondered if I am too artsy a filmmaker to ever get my work made. (Time to destination: 0:59.) I wonder if my creative inclinations have put me in the realm of talented, yet unmarketable. I guess I’ll just have to see.
I do wonder about my future. I am standing at the doorway that leads into a great unknown. Like there is a desert ahead of me… but do not know what plants and flowers will be there, although I know it’s truly up to me. It is (and always will be) my choice to decide what gets planted there. (0:51.) Perhaps I do need a sabbatical (of some sorts) in order to re-connect with myself. Figure out what makes me truly happy. I may be wrong, but I think Europe will be the first step in securing this happiness. I may be wrong… and here I am on a plane wondering if I am going to remain in Paris, move to London… or return to the USA. (The last one is very doubtful.)
It’s even doubtful in my early journal entry about my move and I’m not even in Paris yet. Perhaps I have romanticized Paris and how I suspect I’ll feel there. Perhaps I have not. All I do know is that I did not like living in LA. (Flying over Paris right now! 0:44 to Zurich.) All I can say with certainty is I did not like LA and part of me needed to leave in order to truly move on with my life. I had become trapped emotionally and creatively in one spot. There will be things I love and hate about Paris. My inability to speak French will be difficult (at first.) I am sure there will be trying times, but I it will be an adventure. Life will be very interesting and that is what I want most of all. An interesting life.