Written: June 4, 2011
Above and beyond, I wonder about my future. I am standing at the doorway that leads into a great unknown. Like there is a desert ahead of me and I know it will turn into a garden in time. But I do not know what plants and flowers will be there, although I know it’s truly up to me. It is (and will be) my choice to decide what gets planted there.
I want to continue being a filmmaker. Perhaps I do need a sabbatical (of some sorts) in order to re-connect with myself. Figure out what makes me truly happy. I may be wrong, but I think Europe will be the first step in securing this happiness, even though I am on a plane wondering about my future. Am I am going to remain in Paris, move to London at some point, or return to the USA (which is doubtful)?
It’s even doubtful in this early journal entry about my move and I am not even in Paris yet. Perhaps I have romanticized Paris and how I suspect I’ll feel there. Perhaps I have not. All I know is that I did not like living in Los Angeles. All I can say with certainty is that part of my need to leave was in order to truly move on… I became trapped in LA: emotionally and creatively.
There will be things that I love and hate about Paris. My inability to speak French will be difficult (at first.) I am sure there will be trying times, but it will be an adventure. Life will be very interesting and that is what I want most of all. An interesting life.
30 minutes until Zurich. Destination in sight. I am tired and I look forward to getting home. I am not sure how I will communicate with Soraya as I arrive. I will have to hope that when I get there that I can buzz up to the flat.
I will also have to change my Dollars into Euros. I hope, hope that the exchange rate is better in Paris than L.A. I still have to buy Euros to pay my rent. Cannot wait for that to be settled. It was very difficult to find a place to buy Euros in L.A., but I hear on Camden in Beverly Hills there is a good place… Too late.
I cannot wait to get off this crummy plane and away from this smelly woman! I do not look forward to my flight from Zurich to Paris, but it shouldn’t take long. What I am honestly looking forward to is being alone in my new apartment in the 16th. I am also looking forward to the rain and resting quietly alone in my flat. I look forward to being alone, recharging, being with myself and healing once and for all. I want to be healed. I want and need to bury the past and move on.