100/70

One may wonder – having read “Looking Back, 3” – about the reasons that I did not move to London in late-2008. Perhaps I should have. Perhaps I should have packed up my Franklin Village apartment, put all my belongings into storage and moved. Perhaps I should have been stronger and more focused on fulfilling my dreams. Perhaps I stayed, because I knew I was not ready to leave. I knew that I had to keep trying at this. Perhaps those are the reasons I stayed. And perhaps part of the reason was my heart.

And in turn, I lost my focus. There was a part of me that gave in. It does not take up too much room in my body. It is trapped inside my rib cage. Its blood pressure is 100/70. However, it did not give in to the hardships of this town and it’s industry. Not to all the negative and jealous voices. Not to those whispers that say I’m not good enough. Not to those words and lies that –in the end – mean nothing. It simply gave itself away.

It gave itself away and, in doing so, I lost my concentration. I lost the razor sharpness of my focus. I lost my way. It may be the reason I have not left yet, but it is not the reason I stayed. I did not stay here for it. I have remained in Los Angeles in order to continue pursuing my dreams. I have remained, because I am not ready to leave. And this is why I can live with it.

In losing my focus, I did not keep my eye on the road. Perhaps I chose to see what I wanted to see. Perhaps we ignore the warning signs along the highway that say “Road Washed Out,” “Construction Ahead” or “Detour.” We simply continue driving and suddenly end up in a rough, uncomfortable position. And then we see the World around us clearly for the first time in days, months, even years.

And we suddenly wonder about how we got there. And all we have to do is turn around and see that we were never paying attention to the road we were on. Perhaps we should have veered off on Exit 46A, but we were too busy staring at a love that never really loved us back.

I had written once that: “Life makes unexpected twists and turns when you least expect it.” It does and it is up to us to handle the turns. We trust our suspension and breaks. We trust that this body that will keep us safe. Sometimes one must remain a little longer in one place in order to finally gain the freedom to truly leave. I will make the most I can of it here. Standing in the rubble, I can renew my sense of purpose. In a city that does not have my heart.

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