Looking back on the girl I used to be, I see that I have changed since writing the entry: “Literacy and Longing in LA” (Sunday, July 29, 2007.) Although I still consider Kieslowski and Yimou to be two of my favorite directors, my entire view of the world has changed. Although I have never worn rose-colored glasses, it’s as if my eyes have become tired and the World around me has quietly gone to sleep in a sea of grey ash. Perhaps this is what change is. Perhaps this is what the World looks like when one is forced to re-define herself and everything around her. Perhaps one’s World must go dormant, like winter, in order to see spiritual re-birth.
This is my Winter.
Metaphorically, I feel like I am waiting for an inevitable change within me to happen. I am waiting to properly see the World around me in deep and vibrant colors again. This does not mean that the World has been doomed to shades of black and white. It has simply somewhat dulled. And this sea of gray ash may simply be a layer of snow.
It’s as if I am waiting for Existential lasik eye surgery. It’s as if I am seeking a resurgence of drive and will. It’s as if I am waiting for Spring to come back.
I am not lost. I know exactly in what direction I should be heading. My compass remains accurate and my hand lays steady on the wheel. I have not given up to the torrents of a wild sea; however, it is as if the wind within a tornado has interrupted my save passage through some narrow strait. And I fear that I will crash upon the cliffs one too many times and be stranded for a short period.
Perhaps I already have been stranded and have recently repaired my ship, brought up my sails and begun my journey once again. War had been declared upon me. And having refused to surrender, I simply gathered up my remaining strength, fought back, and forced myself to move on. I was thrown upon the cliffs. I heard the Sirens and perhaps I am still bound by rope to the mast of my ship, but I am not giving in.
I guess this is what happens when you are in the midst of change and you are consciously aware of it. You can go temporarily mad, but regardless of the way your eyes perceive what goes on around you, you have no choice but to survive.